


Just Stay

by lonely-lester (lester_howell_fanfics)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Phan Angst, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 01:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9100084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lester_howell_fanfics/pseuds/lonely-lester
Summary: When Phil arrives home from a day out, something is wrong with Dan.





	

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TWs: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, mental illness

The first bad sign was the deafeningly loud ‘My Chemical Romance’ song screeching from Dan’s bedroom. Concern stirred inside Phil as he locked the front door to their apartment behind him. Hastily, he dumped his shopping in the hallway. 

The second bad sign was the absence of Dan in the living room. Maybe he was in his bedroom, working on a new video?

The third bad sign was the quiet sobs.

He needed to find Dan. 

He wasn’t in his bedroom. 

The office was empty.

The strange, tortured sounds were coming from the bathroom. 

He was curled up in a ball. Tears were streaming down his face. Blood was caked on his fingernails after being bitten to near death. 

‘Oh, Dan…’ Phil said, his heart sinking. 

‘Go away. Don’t look at me, Phil.’ He cried, hiding his face with his t-shirt. 

Phil didn’t listen to the crying boy. Carefully, he sat down next to him.

‘Are you okay?’ Phil asked, looking him up and down. 

Dan let go of his shirt, but didn’t make eye contact with Phil. Instead, he stared at a point on the wall. 

Phil knew this was bad. He desperately wanted to know what his best friend was thinking. He would have done anything to find out and fix him. But deep down, he knew there was something Dan couldn’t talk about, and that forcing him to would only make matters worse.

‘I…I honestly don't know what to say to make you feel even the slightest bit better.’ Phil admitted, wrapping his arms around his legs. 

Dan smiled weakly. ‘It’s okay.’

‘Can…Can I do anything to help you?’

‘Just stay.’

‘Okay.’

Suddenly, Dan stood up and left the bathroom. Phil moved to follow him, but he held up a finger to stop him. He sat down again and waited.

The music stopped. And then Dan returned holding a small black leather notebook. 

‘Here.’ Dan said, holding the object out to his best friend. 

This was his journal. Since he had met the lonely boy, Dan Howell had protected this book with his life. Phil had only seen it a handful of times. And now he was being invited to read it. 

With shaking hands, Phil took the book and opened it to the first page. It was filled with Dan’s messy handwriting, with ink smudged everywhere. He read the first seven pages without stopping. This person was filled with anger, sadness, regret, fear and loneliness. And he had no idea. He could not find the words to describe what he had read. 

In front of him, Dan leaned against the door frame. He smiled gently at Phil. 

‘Dan, I’m…’

‘Don’t. Please don’t. Don’t tell me I need help, or that this is sick. I already know it, Phil.’

‘I don’t want you to be sad anymore.’

‘See, that’s the thing, I’m not sad, Phil. I wrote that stuff in late 2008. If you flip further on, I meet you. It’s gross and soppy, I know, but you saved me Phil. Today was just a bad day. I’ll be fine in the morning.’

Phil’s eyes were swimming with tears. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the boy’s neck. He felt him smile into his neck. 

‘Do you want to watch an anime and order pizza?’ Phil asked, hoping to get Dan’s mind distracted from his pain. 

Dan grinned back at him. ‘How about Yuri on Ice?’

‘Sure.’

‘I’ll go grab my laptop, you get Crunchyroll ready on the TV.’ Dan said as he disappeared out of the bathroom and towards his bedroom. 

As Phil waited in the living room, he read a few random pages from the journal. Slowly, the words on the page became less melancholy and more joyful, with the occasional mental breakdown in between. It made Phil realise how far Dan had come in the last couple of years. Pride swelled up inside of him as Dan entered the room. 

Even though Dan seemed okay as the pizza arrived and they pressed play on the anime, he couldn’t help but worry about what was going on in his head. Was he really happy? Or was he just saying that so he wouldn’t question him about it? He knew he could never fully understand his best friend, but he would settle for being for there whenever he needed him. 

After a few hours, Dan murmured something about needing to go to bed. Phil agreed – they had a gaming video to film and edit tomorrow. Together, the two boys made their way to their separate bedroom, with a quiet ‘goodnight’ from both of them. 

Phil drifted to sleep with the lingering thought of Dan echoing in his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> For M. Thank you.


End file.
